Anna Stafford's Diary

Dear Dairy,

Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile, and it will be believable. My smile will say, "I'm fine, thank you. Yes, I feel much better." I will no longer be the sad little girl that lost her parents. I will start fresh, be someone new. It's the only way I'll make it through.
I made it through the day! I must have said "I'm fine, thanks!" at least 37 times, and I didn't mean it once. And no one noticed. When someone asks how are you, they really don't want an answer...

Anna

Dear Diary
 Today I walk about the grounds looking at the flowers.  Smelling the roses that smell so sweet, feeling the petals and thinking how good the sun feels upon my face.  I am happy and feeling better to love.  Then I sit upon bench in the garden. There are no one about for the time and I am fine with that. I am happy and glad of it. For a time I felt sad and thought no one noticed but I wanted someone to see me and asked if I was alright and meant it. But today is no longer how I feel.

Dear Diary
I am worried about what it is that Charles would like to talk about. Is is about my fainting or my wish to find a husband for my own. With all of my love for Charles I know that he will never leave Catherine especially for me. I no longer wish to be a mistress I wish to have a husband of my own. I need the strength to tell him and not let him weaken me. When we talk I will bring up this subject no matter the level of my love for him.

I am lying on bed thinking about how I will approach the King to ask for permission to find a husband. I hope to ask if I may have an audience with his Highness. I no longer wish to be alone when the morning raises. I know the words of what is said of me. I want to return to my station in the court. I am the Duchess of Buckingham and I wish to be that again.

Dear Diary
I am so worried about Cat. Is she having an affair with someone. If so who is this person. Charles and I are worried about her. But if she is hiding something from us are our other children doing the same. Are they purposely keeping secrets for us from what they believe our responses will be. I don't want them to be harmed. Their hearts broken like mine. I never want that for them. Please let this not be true, let them be safe.

I can not believe what Victoria said to me. To ask about Maggie's education. Whether or not education is sufficient enough to have someone to find her unworthy or un-educated for them. I told her that I taught her and she went to France to learn all of things that will make her an wonderful lady. Charles will make sure that the gentleman will be worthy of her as well.

Yesterday I was in the King's study room and he was with a Lady Faith Lebeou.  The King was very interested in her health as was Charles who may have been his sister.  But after time had gone pass and the Lady Faith had not gone I thought that I was not important enough for he had just continued to speak to knowing that I was there.  So with asking to except his permission I left the study room and I left to go to my room.  I wrote a letter letting Charles know that I was going back to Buckingham and the reasons for it.  I asked him to also keep an eye on our children and I told him not to worry about me and I left in his bedroom.  I am sure he would read it and he would wonder why I am making this decision.